Where Is She ?

I lay awake, dreading the cold the morning will bring,
My mind adrift, trapped in perpetual motion,
A locomotive steaming around infinity.

Round and around, metal grinds on metal,
Sparks fly and the steam is exhausted,
Old flames are still Red and Hot.

I ponder all those who once lay beside me,
Where are they now?
Who are they with?
And why are they not here?

Unanswerable questions lurk in the darkness,
Ghosts that will not let me rest,
Ghosts that are most unwelcome bedfellows,

Was it me? Of course it was me, it had to be me?
Too old?
Too wild?
Too bad tempered? 
Once, even too try hard.

Not tall enough?
Not muscular enough?
Not rich enough?
Face not symmetrical enough? 

Maybe it's because my resting face looks angry?
Maybe it's because I don't run or play sports?
Maybe it's because I smoke like a chimney and I drink like a fish? 
Maybe it's because, I don't eat my vegetables.

Maybe, it is because,
I am ugly. 
Or maybe it is because you couldn't see my beauty.

Each pump of my heart is one closer to the final beat,
And every sunrise is one I'll never again see.
So I ask myself, where is she?
The one who's love will finally complete me.